As most of you that follow the blog know we have two boys – Alfie and Stanley.
Alfie now 7, came along when me and Jack were just seventeen, at the time it was easy for most people to judge to look at us both as just another teenage couple that wouldn’t last, “just another set of teenage parents”
And looking back now we were young – But it was Alfie that made us both.
He was the baby boy that made me a mum. That made me fall in love with someone like I didn’t even know was possible before, the boy that I have had the honour of watching grow, turning from the most beautiful baby into a handsome young man.
And when Stanley came along we watched him grow again into a brother,he is honestly just the best big brother we could have asked for, and still is nearly two years later…
this is one blog that I knew I wanted to do from the very beginning but one I’ve always found the hardest to write.
I’ve always wanted to do a blog written to just Alfie, something that I will never tell him about but should he read this blog as he gets older it’s there for him to see…
You are so clever and don’t miss a trick. There’s nothing that you forget once you’ve been told it.
and sometimes that’s one of my worries, because as much as we try to make things “normal” we know there are things you’ve been through yourself and things now with Stanley that you see or hear that must play on your mind.
Most of the time anything you have been thinking about normally comes out on our walk to school, it’s when you seem to ask me the most questions.. 15 minutes of just me and you talking.
You ask me questions about everything..why does such and such happen? what does this mean? what does that do?..and most of the time I’m able to answer them. But a few weeks back you took me by surprise. Stanley had the flu weeks ago and after spending a week in hospital again we were back home and back into our normal routine.
It was on our walk to school you asked me what the flu actually was and so I explained, not thinking anything of it but I should have known you being you, that you would have more questions to follow..
“So mum that means the flu is dangerous to Stanley because he has cystic fibrosis?”
and again I answered – “Yes it does”
“Mum, can cystic fibrosis kill Stanley?”
And right then you broke my heart.
To know that you had been thinking about that and that it’s something you must have been worried or upset about gutted me..yet there was nothing I could say, I knew I had to be honest with you. Because we’ve always said when your ready to ask questions we will answer them as openly as possible, And so i answered, I told you that yes it can but that was exactly why we do everything we do each day because we want to keep stanley well.
I could feel you almost starting to walk behind me and as I caught a glimpse of you I could see your bottom lip wobble, so I gave you a hug and said it’s ok because we do everything we can don’t we – and that’s all we can ever do.
To which you replied “ I know mum, il look after him because I’m his big brother”
and this is it – this is what cf does, the heartbreak doesn’t start and stop at diagnosis it carries on. it’s there all the time but there are times when it becomes more obvious, and it’s not just me and your dad that have to live with that – you do too.
And for that I will forever feel guilty.
If anything maybe it hits you the hardest Alfie, because as much as we try to do everything we can with you, keeping things “normal” still having days out and time with you, it’s not the same.
Stanley goes in to hospital and you loose your mum being at home for weeks, trips back and forward to the hospital with dad and holding your brothers hand whilst he’s unwell when really you shouldn’t have anything to worry about at all .
You arnt daft you know what’s going on. I know maybe not to the full extent – But you know.
me as a adult still can’t get my head around it so how is it even possible for you at 7 years old to do that? there are times when I wish I could just be inside your head, just to know what your thinking because sometimes your just so hard to try and work out.
what I do know though is that all that you have been through and that you have seen your brother go through makes you the most sensitive soul, I wish sometimes you could see yourself as I see you..
you are the most boisterous little thing I know, you never do as you are told, but you are strong willed, you know exactly what you want, your clever, your kind, your a thinker. Your aware of other people’s feelings and your polite, you do so well at school despite everything. you are growing in confidence and you make us so proud. You are the best little boy, the best big brother – you are my little treasure.
I do always worry that you won’t feel as special because I can’t give you all of my time anymore. I go to bed every night feeling the most horrible guilt..why did I tell you off for something that little? why didn’t I do that thing I said I would do in a minute when you asked? Why didn’t I get the chance to have time with just you, just ten minutes of me and you time before you fell asleep? – it’s constant juggling act and half of the time I feel like I’ve not been much good at juggling! but I know we’re doing the best we can and I take comfort knowing that despite those little things you are turning into the young man you are.
the week before last in fact , you actually stood up in class and spoke to everyone about Stanley, your whole class wrote letters to theresa May to try and get a drug approved that could help Stanley and others living with cf , you told everyone about cystic fibrosis and what is was. You then came home that night and asked questions you didn’t know the answers to and the next day you went back into school and spoke to other classes, something you never would have done even this time last year. It’s not something you would speak to me in detail about and that’s ok – your teacher told me how amazing you were. it was something you didn’t have to do but you did. Because you wanted to, for your little brother, and that makes me the proudest mum in the world.
I truly believe that you and Stanley were meant to be, the things you’ve taught me and your dad and the impact you have on those you meet was no accident. No matter what gets thrown our way we’ve dealt with it always together – the four of us – and no matter what your worries are I am always here, even though I know there’s times when I won’t always have the answers your looking for.
Never stop being you Alfie..
I will forever be your biggest fan, you are my first born, my first love, my first beautiful baby boy.
and because of that me and you will always have something special that no one else can share.
Please always know that
I will love you forever,
Il like you for always.
No matter where life takes us.
My baby you will be 💛